I have always missed you meri jaan, not a day passes by when I don’t miss you.
Everything was with you, days are passing by — but the feeling of not finding you nearby, is unbearable. I don’t have any idea about what I will do next, but I just strive to, what I can do for our kids. I cry, cry and cry thinking that God will send you back, to no avail it won’t happen. I think that Even God knows the things that are unassailable are attributed to God. Because only God can give back dead people. If it was a question of getting you from man-made world, I would have happily crossed the street with my nose on the dirt. If it was a question of money, I would have happily gone into bonded labor just to have slight sight of you. I would have mortgage everything I had to find you. I would have earned diligently every sigh of my breath just to have you. Because having you was the best moment of my life. Everything was just pristine with you. Your love, your care, your emotions. Everything was always so worthwhile.
God just didn’t take you away from me, he took my self, my life, my thought, my whole being. Things were so eventful when you were near me. I could show you all I felt, all I wanted. Nothing was missing from my life except i guess — more money, because could have enjoyed more.
Bro asked me that what’s my obsession with money. Money was what I wanted to take my wife away from all those mundane things. She wanted to be a lively person, who wanted to always be on some adventure. She was like a kid who wanted something new to do every day. And what I saw was that I was making her do household chores, taking care of our beautiful son, taking care of my lovely family. Everyday I wanted to take her out but It was constraint to what I had. I would ask bro a 1000 in funds or a 2000 in funds or any funds I was owed, sometimes even before clients had completed their transaction. What I wanted was that moment which I was gonna spend with her to be perfect. But I knew that the moment I will ask her, let’s go there. She will always look through me, she will always know me. She will always see the tension. The need … the need for more money or the need for sanity, or the need to get out of this my self-inflicted cycle.
So let me give you an idea of what it did for me.
This is the last photo I have of her smiling / enjoying / shopping before the untimely ever-sad demise. She wasn’t just a person, she was my everything. And I remember that I had money at the time. I had told her do not worry at all. This time around for our daughter, I will be prepared and i was prepared with funds to take care of my perfect family. I remember we had spend not much money that day but having the thought of having money gave this moment the strongest feel. Because for once, I was not feeling helpless. Because I were able to afford good food, good company, and best of all she was happy and i asked her What Should we Buy?. She was Happy and all was due to even the sense of having money. Or the sense of me giving her assurance, that i would keep it and won’t spent hastily, or to give some cousin mad loan and he doesn't give back on the day that's needed. I did not mess around with that cash which i had set out separately just for her and the new-born. So don’t tell me if my obsession either with money or with Maria is ever wrong. Because all it meant was calmness and her love for me knowing that i have it figured out.
I had figured out. I had figured out already that she is my most important thing, That i need to get back from office early, I need to enjoy my time with her worry-free. I needed to get out of client work to one Job-work. So i could keep myself sane and focused on the tiniest task of all. Taking care of my family — My rock of being, My purpose. My lyric to every song And now every lyric which i hear, just hurts me badly. The aura, the the kindness, the unforgettable love. Everything was just out of this world with her and everything is lost. I never had to browse anywhere in the world be it Instagram or Shopping malls for anything other than her. Because she was just perfect, perfect for keeping me whole. And NOW.
MONTHS, Months are passing by without seeing her, without having her, without those eye in eye dinners. Those cheeky betrothed moments. Everything is lost. I have become a ghost now airing for her presence by the God. And I know I will fail in getting you back from him. But still, i ask God to give you back. We are in transit, i dont know how long i will be alive. But i feel 70 years is the average death. So i have 40 more years that i need to ask you everyday from God. And i will keep doing till i pass out. I will not stop while in this transit, My Love. My Queen.